There's a penis shortage

I understand alcoholics. I totally get the appeal. Because last night I rekindled an old flame. His name is Jose, and he's my smooth, dirty Mexican lover. I didn't even mind cuddling with him. He can rub his dirty stache on my cheek any time.

I got WASTED last night.

I'm a drinker and can drink most guys under the table. I'm pretty sure my liver crapped out somewhere between 20-23 years old. Now it just soaks up alcohol like a sponge. But last night was a very rare moment in total booze over indulgence for me. I haven't allowed myself to molest a bar tab like that in quite some time, especially on a week night.

I had to be carried home. That's not a metaphor. My friend had to call her boyfriend at 2:00am and have him come get me. And when I refused to get into his car, for a reason I can't remember, he literally picked me up and carried me the 7 blocks back to my apartment. I only know this because I had 6 text messages telling me so.

The last thing I remember, I was flirting with the grizzly 60 something bartender just so he would let me keep the bottle of Jose tucked nicely under my arm. The perfect place for cuddling and sipping. I woke up this morning to my alarm screaming in my ear and my cell phone playing "Rock the Casbah" (My drinking buddy's ringtone). I had a sock on (I didn't wear socks last night). My hair was matted to the side of my face by a glue that was some how created by my alcohol spit and maybe a little upchuck, though I don't remember throwing up. My bra was off (I DID wear a bra even though my 12 year old boy tits probably don't require it). I had raccoon eyes and a head ache that would drop a mule. The worst part is, I didn't even wake up with a dick in my hand or a used condom in my trash can. The streak continues.