Someone is going to be ball-less....soon

As you remember EX and I bought I dog together during my period of domestic haze. Her name is Sally, she's a big, beautiful beast of a bitch and I immediately loved her more than EX himself. However when we came to our senses and split up it was illogical for me to move her in with me. My apartment is not equipt to house a 60+ lb dog and frankly, I'm afraid she'd eat my bras, piss on my porno dvds and eat all of my food. So EX kept her at his house and I go by several times a week to love on her, take her for a walk, that sort of thing.

This past week EX had to go out of town for business. Though this happens with some frequency this was the first time since we split that he'd be gone for an entire week and we both decided it would be a good idea if I stayed at the house with Sally.

It was weird being back in the house. I hadn't been in there for more than an hour or so since I moved out. I looked and felt like a completely different place, even though everything was still pretty much the same. It must have been the fact that my underwear wasn't strung out all over the place. And it didn't smell like vanilla and lube. But whatever.

The week was going fine. I was actually very respectful of his space. I flushed every time I took a dump and even replaced the toilet paper (something I don't even do in my own house. Yes, I have to run the 30yrd dash with my underwear around my ankles alot). I cleaned my own dishes, well, I just used paper plates but the result is still the same. I even kept my masturbatory endeavors to the shower only. This is a big step for me! Usually I diddle my clit on the couch with the blinds open.

Thursday night I went out for drinks with some friends. Again, being on my new responsibility kick, I only had 6 beers and NO shots and came home pretty early. I let Sally in and she immediately ran for bedroom, something she never does. Then I heard "Oh my god! Get off!!!"

I wasn't nearly drunk enough to think Sally had suddenly found the ability to speak, so I grabbed the closest weapon I could find (in this case my keys, perfect for stabbing eyes or assholes with equal effectiveness) and ran into the master.

There, half ass naked, was some blonde chick trying to push Sally off of here.

Once I called Sally away she looked at me, squeeled, covered up and asked me who I was and what I wanted.

"Uh, I could ask the same thing. What the fuck are you doing in here? And why is your crotch hanging out?"

"OMG! (yes, she actually said the letters. This is not a joke.) Are you _____'s fiance?"

"EX fiance, but yeah. Who the fuck are you?"

At this point she stood up, revealing a cheesy pleather bra holding up what can only be properly described as basketball tits. I have mosquito bites for boobies and I am an appreciator of those with an ample chest. I don't even care if you want to plunk down thousands to get your fun bags filled up with silicone. More power to you. But this is beyond anything I have ever seen in real life. It's like she couldn't afford a good plastic surgeon so she just flew to Mexico and paid some kid to cut open her chest, peel the skin as far as it would go and shove two basketballs in there.

She wasn't wearing any underwear and her landing strip was off center. Not to mention the bitch had some serious razor burn. May I reccommend a good waxer?

So she was walking towards me, vagina in the open air, in stripper heels, with her hand extended like she wanted to shake mine.

"I'm Nessa! OMG (still saying the letters) it's sooooo nice to finally meet you."

I shy away from shaking her hand. I have no idea who's dick it was just on. She could have palm herps for all I know.

"Ok? Seriously, who the fuck are you?"

"Nessa!"

"And who is Nessa?"

"I'm _______'s girlfriend! He hasn't mentioned me?"

No, he hadn't mentioned her. He hadn't told me he was dating a D rate porn star. He hadn't told me she might be stopping by to snooze pantyless on his bed while I was dog sitting. He hadn't mentioned any of that.

"No, I didn't know he was seeing anyone."

"Ohhhh, he probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. But he talks about you ALL the time! It's nice to finally meet you. I feel like I know you already."

Here's where she went in for a hug. She wanted her vagina to be in close proximity to my own.

"Uh, I don't hug people. So, um, what are you doing here? He's out of town."

"OMG! That's right! He told me that. I totally forgot. I thought he was just out with his homies."
Yes, she said OMG and homies. Seperately it's horrific but in the same sentence it was about my make my ears bleed.

After a few more minutes of me awkwardly doding her attempts at physical contact I finally managed to get her towards the door and on her way out. That's when she said...

"I'm so glad we're cool. I really thought we might have some beef considering everything."

"Uh, yeah well ____ and I get along so I don't really care if he's seeing someone."

"No I meant since he and I were going out while you two were still together. I thought that would be awkward for us but I'm super glad it isn't."

And then she left. And I was speechless.

I'm not jealous. I don't love him and stopped loving him before we broke up. But come on! He came back yesterday and was welcomed home to a destroyed house, one nasty letter, 3 nasty emails and literally 42 biting voicemails. He hasn't returned my calls.