Ring a ding dong

Well kids, for a minute there it looked promising. It looked like this dried up vagina might get some life breathed back into her yet. Just when she was packing her ovaries and getting ready to hit the road there was penis at the end of the tunnel. And I didn't even meet him at a bar!

We met at some ridiculous "convention" (and by convention I mean 60 nerds in an outdated ballroom in a shitty hotel all talking about the latest ways to test semen and hair follicles at a crime scene). He's a lab rat like me and while I usually am disgusted by men in my profession, he didn't make me vomit in my mouth.

Let me tell you, guys I work with are hideous 93% of the time. I wish they were as hot as all the lab crew dudes on tv but sadly, they aren't. They're old, balding, have beer guts, and most of the time spit food out of their mouths when they laugh. Ugly Asians or middle aged men. That's what I have to work with every day.

I hope little girls out there aren't aspiring to be lab rats in the hopes of meeting some bio mechanical hottie because it ain't gonna happen. You'll have better luck settling, becoming a receptionist at some corporation and having an affair with the married CEO. At least then you can convince him to buy you a car and a condo to keep you from interrupting Sunday dinner and showing his wife and kids the nudie pics he took of you last weekend.

My new goal in life: A realistic career counselor.

Anyway, dude was pretty cute and he seemed just as bored as I was. We ditched the last half of the "convention" and went out for a beer at some overpriced yuppie bar where every drink has a homo name and fruit in it.

As I do in all social situations, I drank....alot...too much to drive home without killing a small child or retarded pedestrian who isn't smart enough to stay out of the way of swerving cars. He called me a cab and slipped me his card.

I normally have a rule about going out with guys who actually give out their cards. But I think I'm turning over a new leaf and becoming a more forgiving human being. Or maybe I smelled dick in the water and my shark pussy needed to be fed.

I called him the next day and he suggested we grab some food and beer. Two of my favorite things. Afterwards we came back to my place and started some rather heated making out. It was like being a teenager and making out in the back seat of your boyfriend's car. The anticipation was building...

Then my cell phone rang. I didn't answer it of course. I don't care if someone is on their death bed. If I'm in hump mode I can't be bothered.

Then my cell rang again. And Again. And again.

He stopped and looked at me expectantly.

"Aren't you going to answer the phone?"

"No" I tried to keep the kissing going. He literally pushed me away.

"Seriously? Maybe it's something important. Obviously they really want to talk with you."

"I'll call them back."

"What if someone is hurt?"

"I'm not a doctor. Why would they be calling me?"

Silence.

"That's cold."

"Um...ok?"

"I can't believe you wouldn't answer the phone when it's so obvious someone is trying to get ahold of you."

"I can't believe you give this much of a shit."

Silence.

"I'm bored with you and now I think you're kinda weird. You can leave."

He called me a crazy bitch, and left.

Guys, don't put in your two cents. We don't care about your opinions. We want the lips shut and the pants off.

Oh, and the oh so important phone call? My mom. My mom telling me the check out girl at Target only charged her $6.99 for a sheet set when it should have been $69.99.