STEPH DOES BLOGGER

How more ADD can I possibly be? I see something shiny and I'm off the reservation for YEARS. I'm not dead. I wasn't sold into sexual slavery after shooting my mouth off to some Thai drug lord. It just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't have that same drive and passion for typing about my daily life anymore. I felt the need to perform and felt like a limp dick on prom night. Too much pressure.

Beyond that someone had stolen my pictures and made a blog on wordpress or something of the like. She wasn't nearly as funny as me but it was definitely a surreal moment in my life. Half the time I don't even want to be me. So I got her shit shut down and then even MORE didn't feel like blogging.

But now I'm back. For how long, not sure. Could be days, could be years. I'm restless. You all know this.

A lot has happened during my absence. One day I got a wild hair in my hooha and decided to move. I just packed my shit and moved to a new city without a friend, without a job, without a place to stay. It was a scary month and I was literally living out of a Super 8 motel that I'm pretty sure doubled as a brothel when the sun went down. I have seen some shit, let me tell you. But I finally found a job that I actually love. I found an apartment that didn't smell like vagina blood and urine. And I met a boy. A cute boy with dimples who wore polo shirts and had dinner with his sick grandmother once a month. A good boy who was honest and romantic and who could hump like you wouldn't believe. Eye watering sexual skills this man had.

So we flirted. And we dated. And we had amazing sex in every imaginable place. We held hands. We started dating eachother exclusively. We met eachother's parents. We bought a dog together. We bought a house together. He got down on one knee, asked me to be his forever and I said yes.

That's right kids. Someone gave me a big sparkly and I promised to be with him for the rest of my life. Never did I ever think I would do something like that. Can I just tell you that my mother was beside herself with glee. Actual glee. Like squealing with delight.

And now it's over. Come on, you saw it coming. We were together for almost 2 years and it just got boring. We were both bored. So instead of being bored and miserable for the rest of our lives we called it quits.

I'm not meant to be married. This of course destroyed my mother. She didn't speak to me for 2 weeks. I might as well have brought Jesus back to life and stabbed him in the testicles. She might have treated me better had that been the case.

So I have been back on the singles scene for almost 3 months. And now I'm remembering how painful and annoying dating is. Every guy irritates me. No one is interesting or original. They're all copies of eachother. Paper cut out douche bags who think they're cute and funny but they're soooo wrong. And I'm soooo not afraid to let them know.