Hello God, are you there? It's me, Steph

I think God is trying to tell me something. I think he's trying to show me a path for my life. Yes, God has spoken to me and I now know what my purpose is. I am meant...to clean up the vagina stink in this world.

Yes, God has put another rotting cooch stink in my path.

I was standing in line behind a girl today and I could literally smell her vagina. I am not kidding. This has never happened to me before. Though I have often joked around about local sluts having stinky slits I have never been so misfortunate as to actually smell one.

There was no mistaking it. It wasn't like she had a tuna fish sandwich for lunch and her breath was kicking. This was the scent of a not so fresh pussy. It smelled like fishy (obviously), sweaty armpits that had been sprayed with Frito dust and put in the hot sun for about an hour and then rubbed in Star Jones' ass crack.

I am obsessively clean when it comes to my body and my lady parts in particular. It's summer time. It's hot outside. That's a dark, dank place that doesn't get alot of fresh air when you're going about your daily routine. So I think it's incredibly important to pay extra close attention to it at all times. I give her some special attention in the shower. Ok, so it doesn't hurt that I have a pulsating shower head and am fantastic at the art of masturbation, but it's also because I like to get her squeaky clean. I carry around wipes. This may sound silly to some but if it's good enough for a baby's ass, it's good enough to keep my summertime hooha in tip top shape. I don't understand why every woman doesn't do this.

Naturally I had to share my misfortune with someone else. This was too good, and too horrifying, to keep to myself. I had to send my friend a text message just to fully document the event:

The Chosen One: There is a smelly pussy in the building and I am down wind.

NON Blonde friend: Like a cat? Where are you?

Target bitch!

( I imagine she's chomping gum and twirling her hair, while doing her nails and reading the latest US Weekly update on John and Kate)
And there's a cat in there? Did it just run in?

(Annoyed and wanting to murder)
It's not a fucking cat! Who calls an actual cat a pussy?

(She's still dumb)
What are you talking about?

(I'm practically yelling at this point)
A pussy! A vagina! I am behind a woman with a vagina that is malodorous. Is that better?

(Lightbulb)
Ohh. That's gross.

I didn't say I had smart friends. I prefer being the beauty and the brains in the bunch.

I'm pretty sure stinky vag heard me. She turned around as my volume got louder and then stayed pretty still, only moving when it was necessary. Probably so the stench didn't waft up anymore.

I have the day off tomorrow. This is my first non-weekend day off in 7 months. How do I plan to spend this time you ask? Beer. Pajama pants. Porn.