I managed to get out of babysitting. My too-nice-for-her-own-good fro-worker came to me Friday morning and said "I don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable so let's forget about this weekend. But for the record, you need to give yourself more credit because you are going to make an amazing mother someday." And I immediately got diabetes.
This seemed to be the theme for the weekend.
I made the mistake of answering the phone when my mother called and after the first 10 minutes of "how are you" smoke screen bullshit was over she immediately dove into marriage and babies, as always. My mother has been wanting me to get knocked up for at least 6-8 years. She continually reminds me of my age and tells me I am in the "use it or lose it" state of my life. "You eggs aren't going to be good forever. They have expiration dates, you know."
Then, I went out for drinks with the girls who ended up running into a few old friends from highschool one of which just had a baby a few months ago. Of course that was all she could talk about.
"It's so different when you're a mother. My whole life has changed."
Why do people say that? Isn't that a given? You squirt a human being out of your vagina and you're no responsible for a life other than your own. It's not like you can strap the kid on and take him to the bars with you. Of course your life has changed. That's not shocking to anyone. You aren't telling me something I didn't already know. Why do you think I don't have a kid?
Of course this convo led into my baby hungry friend Marissa whining about how much she wants a kid and my already mother-ized friend Jess chiming in with how much she loves her daughter. BFF Danae and I just sat there.
But trying to blend in with bar furniture didn't work for us. We were roped into the conversation.
Not my friend 1-"Do either of you have kids?
Me- "Nope"
Not my friend 1- "Really? How old are you?"
Me- "I'm 57 and am menopausal now. But don't I look damn good for my age. An apple a day really does work. Make sure you tell your kid that."
(Danae immediately laughs and Jack and Coke comes out of her nose.)
Not my friend 2- (ignoring my hilarity )"When do you plan on having kids?"
Danae- "Sweet Jesus"
Me- "I was thinking never, but I might need to push that plan back a few years."
Desperate for baby friend Marissa- (recognizing that this convo is about to get snarky) "Who needs a new drink?"
Not my friend 1- "Never? Really? Why? Why wouldn't you want to have children and bring a new life into this world? It's amazing!"
Me- "Well, I hate kids. I think they're whinny and needy and I don't want my entire life turned upside down just so I can say I have a kid. I have no desire to take care of a child."
Not my friend 1- (offended )"It's the most rewarding job in the world."
Not my friend 2- "It's what we as women are meant to do."
Me- "Just because you have a uterus in which to house a child, doesn't mean you should actually do it."
Danae- "Steph doesn't have that motherly instinct. And god damn i love her for it."
Not my friend 1- (bitchy) "Someday you'll change your mind and I'm afraid it will be too late for you."
Me- "I doubt it, but should that day come I'll just adopt one of the hundreds of thousands of children who's parent thought just because they were physically able to have kids meant they should. Then they found out what a pain in the ass it is and now their kid doesn't have a home. That's awesome!"
Not my friend 2- "It's really unfortunate you feel that way. I'm sad for you."
Me- "Don't be. I get to fuck whoever I want, drink as much as I want, spend my money on myself and not once do I have to think about anyone else while I do it. I feel sad for you. Having to spend your entire life catering to someone 1/3 your size is a real downer. But it looks like you at least make time to pawn your kids off on someone else and go out and get tipsy. Good for you. Don't let those babies hold you back! Get your drink on!"
Some people just aren't meant to reproduce. I am one of those people. Isn't it a good thing that I recognize that I'm not meant to have kids instead of popping out 3 kids and then living off of the government and bitching about how much I hate my life? Having a kid just because you can is fucking selfish, and stupid. I don't like kids. Therefore I don't want any of my own. I don't want to be responsible for ruining some else's life just because I feel some sort of obligation to use the uterus I was born with.
And I hate all of these self righteous parents who not only bombarded everyone with their inane "my kid is awesome" bullshit every chance they get, but who also feel it's their responsibility to make sure EVERYONE reproduces.
Hey, mom of the year, stop sucking back those martinis and go home and be with your kid if you're so keen on motherhood. Leave the bar scene to people like me who just want to get drunk and get laid.
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5 comments:
It's amazing how many people won't take 'Go fuck yourself' at face value. They insist on seeing the inherent goodness they believe flows somewhere inside of everyone. Even worse, they often belive this goodness can be brought to the surface by a hug...or worse, the laying of their magical, healing hands on your shoulders...
Read this bit:
Not my friend 1- (offended )"It's the most rewarding job in the world."
Not my friend 2- "It's what we as women are meant to do."
Reaction:
Noooooooooooooooooooo! WTF!?!?
What is it with some people? We politely respect their right to have kids. Why the hell can't they politely shut-the-fuck-up and respect our right to NOT have kids? Thankfully, none of my mates with spawn have ever told me that I should go out and have some of my own or decided that it is their god-given duty to become the voice of my biological clock. Possibly because they recognise what I already know - I'm just too damn happy with only myself (and the world's most spoiled cat) to look after.
Mind you, I was a bit stunned a few months back when one of my single girlfriends told me that lusting after the 22 year old was a bad idea because "You're gonna want kids at some point and he's too young for that" (or words to that effect.) And wouldn't accept my response that I'm not that fussed on the kids thing.
I'm amazed you were as polite and restrained as you were, Steph. And I would have paid good money to be in the 'audience' for that conversation.
There are same major brain changes that occur when a woman has a child. In fact, there's a whole book about it which a person might read while sitting stuck in an airport in Dallas/Ft Worth if he were really desperate. And I was.
You'd have hot, sexually aggressive babies that'd be seducing all the other babies in daycare. You know it's true.
I don't want humping babies
Oh my god Steph, you are the best.
Although I have kids, I totally understand and can appreciate your point of view.
I am SOOO done having kids. And that ain't just the vasectomy talking. I don't want to go through it again for all of your reasons and then some.
I started seeing a lady recently. And even though she knows I am clipped dropped the bomb on me that she REALLY wants a baby... AND SHE IS 40!!
She is a really great lady, but I just had to say, "Well, good luck with that". I also volunteered my services to practice practice practice.
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