STEPH DOES BLOGGER

A MYSPACE REPOST

Some sexual pet peeves

- Shouting out names in the middle of sex. I've always found only creepy people repeat your name alot when they're talking to you. For example "Stephanie, how are you doing today? Would you mind handing me that piece of paper. Stephanie." These bottom feeding cave dwellers are usually close talkers and sometimes they smell like cheese and B.O. So when some guy starts saying my name in the middle of sex it sounds awkward and reminds me of every geeky IT tech I've ever had the misfortune of dealing with. Stick with the tried and true "oh baby's" and "that feels good".

- Socks and sex don't go hand in hand. You look like a fucking retard when you leave your socks on. The male body is about as ugly as a thing can get anyway. It's lumpy and hairy and even the most sculpted abs still look strange when they're just inches above a penis posing as a sun dial. So add gandpa white tube socks to the mix and there's all kinds of wrong and ugly going on.

- Trying out a new move during a one night stand. I'm all about new positions and switching things up. In case you couldn't figure it out I'm not a one position kind of gal. But when you're having a one night stand or when the relationship is purely sexual that's not the time to be trying out some new shit you haven't attempted before. That kind of thing takes a little coordination and practice, especially if it's a kinky and involved position with legs all over the place. That kind of thing is better suited for a relationship where you can practice and fuck things up royally without messing up the mood too much. If you're lucky enough to get some hot chick to go home with you, you need to come with your A game. Getting too ambitious will only leave you with blue balls and a bad rep.

- Men who watch too much porn. I love porn. I have a hefty collection that would make most teenage boys cry with glee. But I know too many men who watch porn all the time and they take that shit too seriously. They expect "real sex" to be like porn sex. Nope. Not gonna happen. Porn is like professional wrestling. It's all make up, lighting, fake storylines and a lot of acting. Most women aren't going to be that enthusiastic. Not everything you do is going to make her explode in screams fit for National Geographic. Sorry, you're not an orgasmic god. If we can't expect your penis to be 10 inches and look like a subway sandwich you can expect us to perform like a porn star.

- Women who fake it. Why? What purpose does it serve? You're only cheating yourself and the guy you're with. He'll think you're satisfied so he'll keep doing the same tired crap that obviously isn't getting the job down and you'll continue to lay there and let him fuck you with no reward at the end. I've faked it a few times, mostly so I didn't bruise an already fragile ego. And every time I was in a relationship and the guy I was with had gotten me to orgasm before. Every once in awhile is fine. But if every time you have sex with your partner and he's not making you climax and you pretend he is you're only teaching him to be a bad lay. And no one wants that.