STEPH DOES BLOGGER

Nothing much has changed in the few months since I had seen my family.

My mother is still wanting me to marry the first man who'll have me. She's still reminding me my birthday is only a few months away and that I'm not getting any younger. She's also reminding me (the med student) that I only have a limited number of eggs and every month another one bites the dust...a baby that could have been.

My dad still has wicked IBS and is still making hourly trips to the bathroom where he camps out for a good 20 minutes "reading" the Maxim mags he's hidden from my mother.

My brother is still married to a heinous, dirty bitch who still complains about how her family does everything "different" (aka BETTER).

My OTHER is still half the woman I am. Muahahahahahaha.

4 1/2 days is too long to be with my family, all under one roof with food cooking. It's too much.


A weekend recap:

* My mom was supposed to pick me up from the airport but forgot. So she made me wait in the airport for another 3 hours until my brother's plain got in.

* She made porkchops, a food I absolutely abhor, so I was forced to eat a Hot Pocket that I'm pretty sure has been sitting in the very back of their fridge for no less than 5 years.

* When I got the shits from said expired Pocket she made me vomit from the ass in the basement bathroom (which isn't completely finished yet) because she didn't want me "stinking up the entire house with your bowel movements".

* My mom woke me up at 5:00am Thursday morning to run to the grocery store and go on a hunt for some freak ass brand of bread that apparently is so rare even Jesus himself couldn't find it.

* My OTHER dropped the stuffing and blamed it on me. I then was reminded how irresponsible I am. Apparently 90 cent Stove Top Stuffing is the muthafuckin holy grail and can't be trusted to the likes of me.

* The turkey was dry and when no one was stuffing themselves with it my mom cried in the bathroom for a good 15 minutes before reminding all of us that she gave birth to us and we should be more grateful for all of her sacrafices.

* My dad clogged the toilet because I'm pretty sure he shit out a whole turkey. His ass gave birth to it. So we had to call a plumber who couldn't come until Friday morning and then had to charge out the ass (pun intended).

* The women of the household went shopping, braving the crowds of angry housewives and old ladies. My mother literally grabbed a toy out of a child's hands and then ran away before anyone could beat her thieving ass.

* Patrick called Kiki Friday night to find out if I was in town because he and his brothers were going to go to my favorite bar and he didn't want to risk a run in.

* Walsh called me 5 times and sent me 3 text messages and an email wanting to know if we could hang out while he was in town for the weekend.

* He then sent me a nasty email telling me I'm being immature for ignoring him.